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A man
goes to the Doctors with a lettuce leaf hanging out of his arse.
He bends over and asks the Doctor to take a look at it.
The Doctor looks and shakes his head.
The man says, "Is it serious ?"
The Doctor says, "I'm afraid it's just the tip of the Iceberg"
What does John Major have for his tea ?
Nothing - He prefers to pop out later and get stuck into a curry !
Michael Barrymore has been found dead with chocolate all around
his arsehole . . . . .
Police believe that George Michael was careless with a wispa !
Our Ice-Cream man was found lying on the floor of his ice-cream
van covered with monkeys blood and hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself !
A man goes to the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his
head. The doctor says, " I'll give you some cream to put on that
".
Man: "Doctor, I keep getting the urge to sing The Green Green
Grass Of Home"
Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"
Man: "Is it common ?"
Doc: "It's not unusual !"
A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts !"
Man: "Doctor I can't say my F's, T's and H's"
Doc: "Well you can't say fairer than that then !"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any !
That viagra is funny stuff. You have to swallow it quickly or you
get a stiff neck !
Did you hear about the man who died of an overdose of viagra ?
It took 3 weeks to nail the coffin lid down !
Our local chemist was robbed last week and all the viagra was
stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened
criminals !
What's the difference between a woman coming out of a church and a
woman coming out of a bath ?
Well, One has HOPE in her SOUL - And the other has SOAP in her
HOLE !
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children ?
Ask your mother !
How do you embarrass an archeologist ?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from !
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's ?
In Iraq
What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic ?
They know how many men went down on the Titanic !
An old man is speaking to a young boy and they get onto the topic
of death.
"So little boy, how would you like to die?" asks the man.
"I want to die sleeping like my grandfather, not screaming like
the other people in the car"
Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head" replies
the Doc.
"How the bloody hell will that help .....?"
"Easy", replies the Doc, "Next time you have a shit it will come
out a treat....."
Q. What's the difference between a 69 and driving in fog?
A. Driving in fog you can never see the arsehole in front of you.
Q. What is the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on!
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy
has a cork in his arse. He says,
"How'd you get a cork in your arse?".
The other guy says,
"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There
was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing
out, he said 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish',
Then I said, 'No shit!'"
There were two church-going women gossiping in front of a store
when a cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked
around behind his horse and slapped his mouth full on its rectum.
One of the stunned women cried:
"That's disgusting, why did you do that?" to which the cowboy
replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?".
"No," said the cowboy, "but it stops me from licking them!".
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her,
caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect
her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy
things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support
her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. With Beer!
Three hookers are in a bar. The first hooker said,
"I bet you five pounds that I could put three fingers up my p*ssy."
Then the second hooker said, "I bet I could put my whole fist up
my p*ssy I've been f****d that much!"
The third hooker said nothing and just slid down the stool !
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the
undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on,
what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"
The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last
time and sees a tear rolling down his face, she leans forward and
whispers in his ear, "It f*****g hurts doesn't it!"
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor
asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth
control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use
could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor
thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice
every morning and I sleep better at night."
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on
her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she
playfully says: "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line
forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and
her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to
tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror
on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a
bright flash... ...and both his legs fall off.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about
Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She
does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her
to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She
gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told
her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give
him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse
Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.
The man sneezes, pulls out his dick and wipes the tip. The woman
can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his dick
and again wipes the tip. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't
believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The
man sneezes yet again, and again takes his dick out and wipes the
tip. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and
says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed
your penis from your pants to wipe it! What the hell kind of
degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have
disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when
I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how
strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and
says, "Pepper."
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his
wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the
kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he
called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!
Corporate America:
After a two -year long study, The National Science Foundation
announced the following results on Corporate America's
recreational preferences.
1. The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated people
is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is
BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL
5. The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS
6. The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.
Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your
balls become...
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas
station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them
said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he
perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray
gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in
this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger
him!" but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 metres into
the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally
regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one
and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how
did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned
during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a
penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own
ear, don't f**k with him!"
Q. Why did God give women orgasms?
A. It gives them something else to moan about!
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural
pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he
should bring his face close to hers. He does so and she begins to
gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman
asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick
hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman -clearly aroused "is
there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to lick them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room."
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad; the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Dermot and
Tony, were sent for. Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back
the sheet.
Dermot said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over.
Dermot looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange so he brought Tony
in to identify the body. Tony took a look at him and said, "Yup,
he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Tony looked down and said, "No,
it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
"Well, Paddy had two assholes" said Tony
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went into town, folks would say "Here comes Paddy
with them two assholes"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a
good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a
wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully
accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young
lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
"What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says
to her.
"She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..."
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this
kinkiness together!"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing
neither can go to one another's house because of their pending
divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.
The woman, becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and
takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...
"Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the
back seat.
She hears him fumble with his belt, and then hears his zip come
down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control
herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his
pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkiness here!" she
complained.
"We did!" he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"
A burglar breaks into this house and he comes into a room with no
lights on. He walks into the middle of the room and he suddenly
here's this voice "Jesus is watching you" he turns round and in a
dark corner of the room he sees a parrot and so he goes across to
it. The parrot says again "Jesus is watching you". The burglar
looks at the parrot funnily and then asks, "What's your name?" to
which the parrot replied "Clarence" The burglar then says, "That's
a stupid name for a parrot, which idiot called you that?" The
parrot replied, "The same idiot that called the rotweiler JESUS"
Timmy was in his garden one afternoon filling in a hole. Next
door, Timmy’s neighbour was mowing the lawn when he noticed the
small boy and decided to investigate.
“What are you up to there, Timmy?” he said peering over the fence.
“My goldfish died,” replied Timmy, “so I’ve buried him.”
“I’m so sorry,” said the man, “must have been a big old fish
though, Timmy, that hole’s huge!”
Timmy patted down the last patch of earth before replying, “That's
because he's inside your f*****g cat.
Smithy the tramp was sitting on a park bench one day when one of
his friends turned up to join him for a few super-strength cans.
After the first couple of tins, Smithy’s friend turned to him and
said, “Christ boy! You smell really bad today - have you shit
yourself or something?”
Smithy was deeply offended, stating adamantly that he would never
do a thing like that, even though he was a tramp. The two
continued drinking, but after a while Smithy’s friend was almost
chundering at the stench. “You sure you haven't shit yourself ?”
he asked, “you stink worse than ever!”
“I haven’t!” shouted Smithy. “And I'll prove it to you!”
With that, the filth-ridden bum stood up, whipped off his string
belt and dropped his trousers. There in the seat of his bottoms,
lay a huge, steaming, coiled turd.
“What did I tell you – you’ve shit yourself you lying git!” said
his friend.
“Bollocks,” replied Smithy, “that b**tard was there when I got
them.”
A man walked into a pub one night, strolled over to the bar and
asked for a pint of beer. The barman quickly pulled him a pint and
asked for a penny.
“One penny?!” said the man, shocked. “A penny for the beer?!”
“That’s right,” replied the barman, “just one penny.”
The man thought this was unbelievable, so to test the bar prices,
he ordered a steak with chips, peas and a salad.
“Certainly sir,” came the barman’s reply, “but all that comes to
real money.”
“How much,” asked the man.
The barman thought for a moment, “Fifty pence,” he said.
“Fifty pence?!” the man shouted. “Where's the bloke who owns this
place?”
Pointing upwards, the barman said, “Upstairs with my wife.”
“Oh,” continued the man, “well what's he doing up there with her?”
A look of satisfaction crossed the barman’s face before he said,
“Same as what I'm doing down here to his business.”
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