Shocking new claims that the Sinn Fein President is gay have come to light, a source close to the IRA army council said "during the negotiations concerning decommissioning of some weapons, it was not only our backs that were against the wall, our arses were well and truly covered" . Our new high powered camera has caught a picture that we believe to be  the Sinn Fein President, we have been told by Patricia O'Neil of the Army council that Geraldine as he likes to be called can often be seen in the transvestite clubs in London, but on this occasion was caught somewhere close to the Loyalist heartland in what can only be described as a reconnaissance mission. Sinn Fein spokesman and I use the term loosely, Gerry Kelly was unavailable for any comment, but his private secretary A. Shirtlifter said " both Kelly and Adams often argue about what dress to wear, and felt they should be given more allowances from Westminster to aid them in their fight for parity of esteem within their own party". Gerry Adams was also unavailable for comment.

Afghanistan

A Scottish Loyalists source, has revealed that Gerry Adams and  Michelle Gildernew of Sinn Fein/IRA have been involved in secret talks with Osama Bin Laden's Al Qaeda network and the Taliban to assist them to get back into government, talks broke up early as many of the Taliban refused to sit down with  Michelle Gildernew unless she wore a veil. A spokesperson for the Taliban said " under no circumstances can we sit down with this woman while her head is naked, it is not just on religious grounds we object, but she really is one ugly Fenian B*****d"
 

Ardoyne

Recent Sinn Fein revelations concerning UYM and UFF youths wearing Celtic football jerseys while carrying out sectarian attacks are without foundation. We can exclusively reveal that this is just a Sinn Fein ruse to deflect publicity from Sinn Fein/IRA men in Columbia and Gerry Adams' own incursions into Loyalist areas wearing a football jersey of the world famous Glasgow Rangers as cover for his own dastardly deeds.